Acknowledging the Needs and Pressures of Being the Child of Immigrants

The truth you feel ashamed of

Being the child of immigrants means that on some level, your parents sacrificed the familiarity of their homeland to provide you with the best life possible. They likely came to this country needing to learn the language, without a plan, and with minimal, if any, support. They came to the United States hoping that you would not experience the life they lived. Perhaps it was a life where education ended in the first grade, women were seen as property, men were taught that abuse is normal, and surviving was the only option, not thriving. This new life they worked hard to give you comes with endless possibilities for success but also comes with the crippling pressure to succeed.  

Your parents are self-made. Meaning their accomplishments are their own as they built themselves up from the ground. The blood, sweat, and tears they put into everything they do became your relationship to work and success. That success is not about irresponsible dreams as much as it is about succeeding and providing for your family. However, you might have realized that this lifestyle leaves you feeling empty, not fulfilled. This is the beautiful truth about immigrant parents. They will slave happily to give you an easy life, however, this life is anything but easy. 

The truth you likely feel ashamed of is that through all of the hard work your parents put into giving you a better life, you now have a responsibility you never wanted, living a life to make your parents’ sacrifices worth it. This means you probably have immense pressure to be successful but are struggling to figure out the path to success, what it is that you want, and your needs aside from the driving force or needing to prove yourself.          

Cost of carrying your family with you

The life of an immigrant child can be fruitful in love and familial support. Your family will always provide you with company, humor, opinions, and warnings to guide you through life. Each member of your family has lived many lifetimes and wants to help you by teaching you the lessons they’ve learned through their hard lives. 

There is a phrase I often use to describe immigrant families, “Crabs in a bucket”. What this means is that when one crab is close to crawling out of the bucket and towards freedom or success, another grab pulls you back in. This can apply to finances, generational trauma, success, etc. It can feel like no matter how far you go in life, your obligation towards your family may always pull you back. When you are close to the life you want, the pressures and responsibilities of your family can pull you back to exactly where you were before. This can increase feelings of depression, overwhelm, shame, guilt, or anxiety as you feel tied to supporting your family while also striving towards your future. However, there is space in the world for your dreams and your family obligations.

The needs of first-generation children 

If there is one thing that your family has taught you, it is that anything is possible with hard work and dedication. The pressure you have put yourself under does not have to be the way you live life forever. The depression you fall into does not mean you are ungrateful for your family’s sacrifices. Lastly, the shame you use to back yourself into a corner does not have to be your normal operating system.

What you need is to understand that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have right now.

Your needs are no less important than any other person. Often we have convinced ourselves that if our dreams cannot support the financial responsibilities of our family then they are not worth living. However, your parents, those fearless hard-working immigrants, came to this country so that you could dream. So that the life you wanted was possible. They came here so that you can love endlessly and achieve the success you deem as successful. What you need is to know that it is okay to be unapologetically yourself. Please contact Harper Therapy today if you are stuck between who you feel like you have to be and who you dream of becoming. I would love to work with you.

Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639