New Family Dynamics: How Kids Change Your Relationship
Hello and welcome again to Harper Therapy’s Blog! This week we are going into the world of children…how children change relationships. Whether you are having your first child, adopting, or blending families, this conversation is for you.
Relationships are, at their core, a space of constant change. You are uniting two individuals with different backgrounds and life experiences and asking them to adapt to living under the same roof. Adapting to one another, adapting to extended families, adapting to new jobs and potentially new locations is stressful enough. Enter children into the equation and dynamics shift dramatically.
Children will require time, energy, attention and money. What we are going to state now may seem controversial, but please listen carefully…
The Relationship ALWAYS goes First!!! Yes, you heard us correctly. The couple, and the couple’s needs go before any family needs because if the couple isn’t healthy, the family breaks down. Therefore, set time for date nights. Nourish the connection. You will need a strong and loving connection to survive children.
If you are having the conversation of bringing children into the family, discuss your values and beliefs. Discuss how these values and beliefs play a role in your discipline approach.
Have a conversation regarding parenting approaches, schooling preferences, and the role of family members in the upbringing.
If you are blending a family, discuss how parenting will take place, how discipline will look like and sit with the children to explain possible changes in how things are managed.
If you are using a surrogate or adopting, discuss what will your birth story include. Will it be an open adoption and surrogacy process? Will it be a closed process? What will you share with your children and at what age? Make sure all family members are on the same page.
Plan on how you are going to tag team. This includes parental leave after birth, if someone is staying at home, who will it be and for how long? If you both return to work, what is the daycare plan? Who takes the morning shift, who takes the night shift and how often do you switch. These are all the conversations that get lost amidst the cute clothes and room decorations…sit and chat about them before you are yelling at each other at 2am feeding.
Children will inevitably bring up issues from your childhood, beware of triggers. Seek out individual or couple’s therapy if any of you identify Family of Origin issues that can surface later on.
Tiredness and a loss sense of self or loss of identity can impact the couple. Make time to recharge. Make sure you keep a hobby, connect with friends, play. And make it possible for your partner to do so as well.
As children grow, there will be more “extra-curricular” activities to attend to. If you have rigid schedules, have a conversation about how you will address this. Will you take videos and send it to the other parent. Will you reach out to school to get the calendar ahead of time so that you can ask for the days off with ample time. Please complete this task from a place of understanding and not from a place of resentment.
Finances will be a hot topic. Our sweet cherubs, and our not so sweet teens are expensive! How many “widgets” does the little one actually need? What is considered an adequate allowance? Do we pay for chores? Do we not pay for chores? Having these conversations prior to getting to that stage is going to be helpful.
Making plans for the future. What are your views on setting aside money for college? Do you have a living will? Who do you want to choose as guardians of your child/children? Have you discussed your active directives? It all sounds legal and boring, but it’s best to have the difficult parts figured out before than to having to make a decision under duress.
Finally, love each other throughout thick and thin. After the children leave the home, it’s just the two of you. Have each other’s back during their upbringing.
These are some of the topics that come up more frequently in therapy. We hope they help you in your process. If you want more information, and you are ready to explore what therapy can bring to your life, give us a call at 813-434-3639 to schedule an appointment with Yiara Blanco. Let Harper Therapy be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing!
