Losing Strategies
Do you sometimes feel like the same arguments are happening and that the same outcome always happens? Maybe it feels like you are never heard or your fights always end the same way with someone crying, angry, sad, or frustrated or even worse now you’re not talking. You may be using some of what Terry Real calls, “Losing Strategies” of Relational Life Therapy. When these strategies are used, no one wins and honestly I have seen these strategies used in every relationship I have worked with. No one is perfect and we all have our areas of growth. But, if you can recognize the “strategy” you use, this insight might help you change your pattern of behavior and start to use some winning strategies instead.
Being Right- Who doesn’t like being right? I know with couples I see, many times their goal is for me to tell them who is right and who is wrong. This technique unfortunately, is not helpful. When you focus on who is right the main idea can get lost in the weeds and the overall need or issue is not being addressed. Many times it does not matter who is right. Instead focus on what need is not being met and ask the focus be on that rather than arguing if the light was left on 5 times or 10.
Controlling your partner- this can look like “that’s not the way you are suppose to clean the dishes.” It can be small things like micromanaging how someone drives, bigger goals like wanting your partner to parent the same way you do or larger issues such as being abusive and using ways to control how someone feels or acts through intimidation or putting your partner down. This can even be telling someone who he or she can and cannot spend time with. Control is never the best way to communicate with your spouse or partner because most people do not like being told what to do and your partner may become resentful
Unbridled self expression- this is where you proverbially “emotionally vomit” on the other person. What this looks like is over-sharing or letting your partner know every single way they upset you in the last few weeks. It is best to address when you are upset at the time versus holding it in and unleashing all your annoyance at once. Doing so can leave the other person feeling upset and ashamed.
Retaliation- “you hurt me so I am going to hurt you.” How common is this in areas beyond relationships? This comes from a victim stance where the idea is the other person deserves what is coming to them. This is a strategy where no one wins. It is also where someone is fighting from the perspective of his or her hurt inner child. Talk to your partner about how you felt hurt. Let them know your feelings. Otherwise if left unattended, the cycle of retaliation can get messy and resentment will build.
My favorite one since I see it all the time! Withdrawal! This “strategy” is where one partner will emotionally shut down or literally leave the conversation by leaving the room. This can also take the form of not communicating how you feel or responding at all. This is a strategy even I as a therapist am guilty of. This can be destructive as it stops communication from happening. If you need time to cool off use some “planned timeouts,” where you and your spouse talk about needing some time to feel more grounded and calm with a plan to discuss the disagreement at a later time that day or maybe the next day.
Jennifer Schaap
Which strategies do you find yourself doing? Do you notice you start with one and move to others later? As I stated above, no one is perfect and we all have areas of growth. Next time you notice yourself moving into the direction of one of these “strategies,” try to notice yourself doing so and stop. Maybe try to pull from some healthy communication tools such as letting your partner know how you feel, taking a planned timeout to cool off, listening to what your partner may be trying to convey or exploring what need is not being met currently and what do I need to do to get it met. If you are looking to connect more with your partner, give us a call at 813-434-3639 to schedule an appointment with Jennifer Schaap LMFT!
